Well that's season two over with. So without further ado here is the final end of term report. It will be done as it was last season. This has taken a lot longer to compile than last seasons end of season report as there are more than twice as many of u slippery, devious Shysters than last season. Coming up is an individual assessment of each Shyster, starting with the Premier Division
PREMIER DIVISION
PRIDE OF GANLEYS SEALS TITLE GLORY AFTER NAILBITING CLIMAX
CHAMPION - THE PRIDE OF GANLEYS (James Junior Roche)- Our brown envelope fiend from the inaugural season held off a a late charge by the King Of Roundshaw to claim the title by virtue of having one more correct score. The man who he must thank for clinching this coveted title is Southampton striker Rickie Lambert, who scored the decisive goal which gave him that vital extra two points. Although he was rather sweating at the end as a Newcastle goal against Arsenal in the last seconds could have ruined things. Guinness was flowing long into the night at Ganleys as Roche supporters toasted their hero. The question is, can he come back refreshed for his title defence, which is sure to be tough as next sesson looks sure to be more devious and underhanded as ever. He also received another boost, when it was learnt that he had gained a top seeding for the upcoming Shysters Champions League. Nevertheless, he looks sure to put up a bold defence of his title next season
RUNNER UP - THE KING OF ROUNDSHAW (John Dellafera) - Sheer agony for our Burger King as he lost out by the narrowest of margins. Wallington's finest was left helpless as Newcastle could not find that elusive goal that would have given him the crown. Some Shysters might say though that his performance was overshadowed by the Roundshawgate scandal which broke late in the campaign. Missing scores were indeed a problem, especially towards the end of the season. A matter that needs to be looked into, I'm sure. Dellafera however, just knuckled down and got on with things and seemed to come with a perfectly timed late charge, only to be thwarted at the death. He has been a consistent performer this season and is sure to be up there in the thick of things next season
3RD - THE LINGFIELD LOUNGER (Brian Burst) - I have run out of superlatives to describe this man. A true Shyster Legend!!! Our newly appointed Shysters Global Ambassador produced an admirable defense of his title and actually came into the last round of fixtures still with an outside chance of retaining his crown. Still, at the end of it all, there will plenty more forays into foreign climbs in the Shysters Champions League. Another leading player for next season
4TH - THE ORIGINAL LATE ARRIVAL (Andy Relf) - With around five rounds to go, our Original Late Arrival was many Shysters pundits tip for the title, but a couple of shocking weeks put paid to his ambitions. However, a lot of solace can be gained from the fact that he managed to seal a place in the Shysters Champions League qualifiers. The only problem here is that we have just learnt that he has to go to a bleak outpost in Kazakhstan to take on the Kazakhstani Shysters League champion in the preliminary qualifier. Lets hope for a trouble free voyage!!!
5TH - UNION LEADER O'DONNELL - Can there be any excuse for Mr O'Donnell's post Christmas meltdown?? What could it be put down to?? Only our Union Leader can answer those questions!! He was a much as TWENTY points clear at the halfway stage, but an alarming slump in form saw him get reeled in by his rivals and he ultimately had to settle for a Shysters Europa Tinpot League spot. Will those psychological scars from this collapse ever heal?? It remains to be seen!
6TH - THE PEARLY QUEEN OF SUTTON (Livvy Najman) - Our leading Shysteress and congratulations must go to her. She declined many brown envelopes to achieve this position and overcame a potentially damaging Cup exit to lower league opposition to regain her composure and secure a Tinpot League place. An excellent showing and still a definite room for improvement still to come too.
And now we come to the also rans
7TH - THE FIFE FLYER (GEORGE NICOL) - Consistency was a problem throughout the season for one of our most outspoken Shysters. Unfortunately no amount of hearty battlecries could not aid him and he ultimately came up short. With regards to next season, well all I can say is expect the unexpected from our Shyster from North of The Border.
8TH - THE PRESIDENT (Billy Burst) - An unfortunate turn of events for our Leader caused him to miss the final two weeks of the season. This was indeed unfortunate as he was expected to be a major player and the business end. You can be rest assured that he will be back ready and raring to go in time for the next campaign
9TH - THE ORIGINAL SHYSTER (Mark Fretwell) - Ultimately a disappointing campaign for me. Despite hitting top spot early doors, I was never really able to keep it going. I'm not going to make any excuses for myself, but in the end I came to the conclusion that despite all attempts to be as underhand as I possibly could, I knew I wasn't going to be good enough. Must try harder!!!
10TH - DOCTOR PAUL ORME - Well I must say that nobody expected one of the pre season favourites to finish so low down the table. Possibly the biggest underachiever this season. A lot of rebuilding is needed to be done if he wants to challenge next season.
11TH - DJ BROWN - One of the most dramatic stories of this season was centered around Darren Brown. DJ spent most of the season hovering dangerously close to the drop zone, but drama unfolded on the final weekend, when his last week predictions originally failed to materialise on this page. A zero point score would have sent Mr Brown hurtling though the relegation trap door. However Mr Brown provided conclusive photographic evidence that his scores were indeed posted. And following in depth discussions between league representatives, Mr Brown and the other Shyster who would have been affected by this, Mikey Gregory, it was decided to accept these scores and Mr Brown ultimately achieved enough points to secure safety. The final say so actually came from Mikey Gregory himself, a noble gesture indeed. More of which to follow later in this piece.
12TH - THE GRIMSBY GRINDER (Chris Jones) - The Shysters Leagues very own Houdini was up to his old tricks again. When the chips were down, our man from the Humber Estuary held his nerve and manage to secure his safety on the last week of the season. However, if he wants avoid enduring a hatrick of relegation scraps, he really need to buck up his ideas and show considerable improvement or it could be curtains next season!!
And last but not least for the Premier League, we come on to the dead wood at the foot
13TH - MIKEY GREGORY - Despite the fact he suffered relegation heartbreak, Mr Gregory can walk with his head held high after an extraordinary act of good sportsmanship (something that is not in the Shysters Manual). If there was an awards for good sportsmanship, this Shyster would win it hands down. Mr Gregory spoke to me personally and advised me to award DJ Brown his points after another potential scandal threatened to break. As a result, this cost him his place amongst the elite next season. On hearing this, relegation rival DJ Brown was grateful and sent a personal message thanking him for this wonderful gesture. He will be sure to start as a leading contender to bounce straight back in 2013-14.
14TH - CRUSHER CANE - Our Milton Keynes based Chelsea fanatics season lurched from one disaster to another and relegation always seemed to be on the cards from an early stage. He will certainly have to flex his muscles if he wants to bounce straight back. Has he got what it takes to mix with the novices?? He must hope that his experience at the top level will stand him in good stead.
15TH - EDDIE GOLDFINGER WILDMAN - A season to forget for Top Gunner. He could never get going. The number of missed weeks cost him dearly. When he did post, he showed he could be a top performer, none more so than the week when he broke the Shysters League record for weekly points. Unfortunately, his record breaking eighteen point week came all too late to save him. With regards to next season, if he posts every week, he is sure to be right up there in the Championship shake up.
16TH AND LAST - SHER "THAT'S" AMORE - Which finally brings us on to Sher??? Sher Sher Sher!!! What went wrong??? The potential is there but the application clearly wasn't and she ended up propping up the table after a disastrous campaign. It's gonna take a monumental effort to pick herself up for an arduous Championship campaign. But if anyone can produce this effort, then she certainly is capable of it
THERE CONCLUDES THE PREMIER LEAGUE!!!!
